"Life’s a journey not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings"
~ Lyrics from Amazing by Aerosmith.
I am one of those "personalities" that can be incredibly goal oriented and focused. When I put my mind to something I can usually accomplish it, and quite well. Like any other trait, there are always opportunities for growth in character, however, I believe that every attribute has its dark side as well. What happens when life just becomes a series of goals and stepping off points for the next endever? Are we teaching ourselves that the end result is the ultimate achievement, that we will find happiness once we've accomplished that goal? I have often been able to convince myself that if I can accomplish this one thing, the sheer prestige of the accomplishment will be enough to truly make me happy. I have made countless plans and set time limitations for myself, some of which I have succeeded at achieving. Once I have done what I have set out to do, I am always surprised that my emotional and mental response . Do I feel some measure of happiness for achieving my goal? Sure, but I am also tense, mentally worn out, even physically tired from the whole experience. More often than not, I find that the latter feelings of general exhaustion usually outweigh my sense of accomplishment and feelings of happiness. I always feel that I have missed out on something in the process, and immediately search for the next thing to do that I think would help fill that proverbial 'gap.' Heaven forbid if something interferes my time limits or plans. My dismal misguided attempts at controlling every movement within my universe have proven disastrous in the results. I have been depressed, overweight, filled with self-loathing, angry, and withdrawn. My health has suffered repeatedly, and my whole "joie de vivre" ... non existent. It has taken me the last 33 years of my life to realize that life just does not go to plan. One can make a million plans and set a hundred thousand different deadlines, but life has a very sadistic sense of humor. The more I fought for control the more life wrestled it from me. Every disappointment overturned the shaky soap box I was standing on devastating me in the process, and yet I still clung to the idea that if I could just accomplish the next goal I laid out for myself the end result would be sublime happiness. It turns out the only thing that I truly accomplished was a very unhealthy cycle of chasing endless goals and next steps.
I am not saying that goal setting itself is a terrible thing. The toxicity lies in the fact that some people become so wrapped up in "getting there" that they miss out on the joy that surrounds the process. Take, for example, going on a hike with a rumored stunning vista at the trail end. You spend the beginning of hike excited and happy to work towards finally making it to the top for the the view. You build up in your mind what the view should do for you, take your breath away, elate you, or give you "that special feeling". Soon, all you can think of is getting to the top for the view. It consumes you, and drives you up. Once you reach the vista and take a look, you become profoundly disappointed. It turns out that the view you created in your mind is nothing like what it is in actuality. The feelings that you thought you would experience at the end do not surface, and all of a sudden you are mired in negative emotions ranging from boredom to anger. You immediately plan to climb a little higher, perhaps climbing to a greater altitude will give you the results you expect and want. Amidst all the planning you miss the bird call that sings so sweetly, the deer silently nibbling on the grass in the wooded area, and the way the sun reflects ever so brilliantly off the snow caps. Not to mention on the way up being oblivious to the family of foxes poking their noses out of their den or the dew captured on the petals of a single forest flower. What of those original feelings of excitement and happiness? Long forgotten. Forever lost in the drive to get to the end result.
Some of you may wonder how this can possibly relate to my practice of martial art. Firstly I firmly believe that my change in perception started with my very first day of training. Simply learning the basic techniques forced me to shut off my busy mind and simply focus on what I was doing with my body in that exact moment. I learned that as soon as my mind filled up with with worries about what I was going to make for dinner after class, or what had transpired at work earlier in the day, I was unable to concentrate on the task at hand, and lost the joy of simply being at the dojo and working my body. I would start looking at the clock to see how many minutes there were left in class, my techniques became sloppy and with that the possibility of injuring myself increased ten fold. Its very important to keep your mind clear and in the present, and also discovering the things that bring you joy in that moment. For me, it is the simple act of moving my body. Whatever technique, traditional or fighting, and even warm up, allows me to enjoy the pull of my muscles as I move them. Each movement gives me the joy of knowing where my body is, in the context of the space surrounding me. I can forget the past happenings and future problems and simply exist in the here and now.
We all know that ultimately the main result to strive for is that all mighty black belt, the symbol of accomplishment and mastery of practice. However, in my conversations with one of my Sensei's he asked me what it was that made me sign up for class in the first place. In truth, when I first signed up getting my black belt was the furthest from my reasoning to join. I wanted to work towards creating some balance in my lifestyle with some very much needed exercise. Becoming fit and healthy was my top priority. Not scrambling for that black belt. I will admit that after a while my focus did eventually turn towards going for the black, however every time that it did something would mess up the deadline I set for myself. I spent a year wrestling with my lungs, unable to breathe, and dealing with physical and mental exhaustion. All I could think about was how this was impacting my goal to get my next belt, and with that came feelings of frustration and anger. I pushed myself when I shouldn't have, not understanding my limitations, and the end result was both a sort of mental and physical breakdown. I was unable to learn anything and my body would no longer cooperate nor tolerate the demands I was placing on it. It was my last injury that truly put things into perspective. I managed to badly tear my metatarsal ligament and a tendon in the joint of my big toe. Right before the final rounds of preparation for my belt test. I did try to continue my preparation, with copious amounts of tape and adopting the " no pain no gain" attitude, but I had no success whatsoever. It got to the point where I could not trust my foot to bear my weight and when it didn't the pain was severe. I soon realized that I could not ignore this injury, and with my Sensei's insistence that there would not be a belt test until my foot was fully healed, I set about forgetting my test and working to heal the injury. I will now tell anyone that asks, this last injury was one of the best things that has happened to me. Somewhere in the process of taking the time to rest and heal, I managed to let go of the notion that I HAD to get my black belt in exactly seven years. I now know that it really doesn't matter how long it takes for me to get there. There is no end to the study of martial art, a black belt is merely a part of the process. Getting your black belt should be a part of the big picture, not the entire picture itself. The importance lies in the love and passion you have for the sport, the relationships you forge with your dojo mates, the self- confidence that you gain through training, and finally, the betterment and balancing of your everyday life. Remember why you started to train in the first place, the excitement that you felt when you got through your first class and hold on to it. Cherish each moment.
Have gratitude for each moment that is granted to you in your life. Achieving your goals are only part of the big picture, part of the process. Remember the journey. It's there that you will find happiness and peace, not the in the end result.
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